8 Types of Single Women
Just as single men can be quite the slippery surface, single women can be too. This article describes eight types. The following tendencies need to be discerned early in friendship, before attachments or entrapments develop.
NOTE: I will use the term pairbonding at times throughout this writing. I understand there is an evolutionary psychology use of the term, but I am not in any way using the term in that sense. I am using the term in its generic and basic sense to mean "the romantic process between two people".
8 Types of Single Women
As a Christian leader I am responsible to both my brothers and sisters in Christ: to help men remain sure-footed on the slippery surface that is single women, and, help women become the high-value prospects that any brother would love to have. Therefore, in today's writing I will make appropriate applications to both.
This article describes eight types of single (Christian) women. The following tendencies need to be discerned early in friendship, before attachments or entrapments develop.
(1) The Mother Hen (Controlling Women)
The mothering instinct is a controlling, micromanagerial instinct. In the right context--raising small children--this instinct is good. However, when there are no children to raise, or when emotional wounds are festering, some women misapply these energies toward a man. When they do, they become Mother Hens, a pejorative.
This type asserts her will in the man's personal matters, matters that are not relevant to her or their friendship or their romance. Or, it can take the form of her assuming ownership of certain matters the man should handle or manage himself.
This type is predictable. She is almost always surrounded by passive men, while shying away from strong, dynamic men who will not tolerate her trying to mother them. Jezebel and Ahab had this dominant-passive relationship exactly.
If you are still warring to overcome excessive docility or manchildness or Mama's Boyness, realize the temptation to gravitate to a Mother Hen. The pull will be strong. Also realize, though, she will be equally tempted to gravitate to you if she sniffs out passivity and puppyness in you. You must resist pairbonding with her based on this script. If you do, you are establishing an imbalanced script that could take years of chaos and pain to rebalance, if at all. Your safest course is to flesh out your masculinity more fully before pairbonding with anyone, especially a woman with a Hen factor.
Keep your mothering instinct in the only container it was designed for--raising small children. If emotional wounds are exacerbating and miscontextualizing this instinct, those wounds need to be pinpointed, addressed, and healed with God. "Mothering" is one of the greatest complaints and resentful jokes I hear from men about their female friends, girlfriends, or wives.
(2) The Manizer (Egomaniacal Women)
Like the womanizer, the "manizer" is an egomaniac, not necessarily a sex or romance or money addict. Those are just collateral benefits. Manizers have a monstrous craving for attention and validation. Every man they successfully subdue--sexually, emotionally, or financially--simply feeds that monster. When they experience "dry periods" of celibacy, aloneness, or rejection, they too spiral into a black hole of self-hatred, depression, and turn to other escapes, like food or shopping or codependency on girlfriends.
You may struggle to believe it, but many manizers are Christian women. Some are simply infants in Christ. Some are spiritually older but have yet to overcome this particular monster in their sanctification process. Some are in a backslidden, prodigal state.
These types are attractive and seductive. If her level of egomania is high, she will be initiatory and predatory, like Potiphar's wife (Gen 39:7-12) or the Proverbs 7 woman (Pr 7:10-15). If her egomania is moderate, or moderated by insecurities or social restraints, she will simply position herself strategically to be approached by her target man/men, like Bathsheba (2Sam 11:2-4).
Raw masculinity tends to be overwhelmed by these types. In fact, Solomon said this type of woman is not overcome or resisted, she is "escaped" (Ecc 7:26, Gen 39:12).
The manizer gravitates to high-status males, and sometimes to men who are married or taken or socially taboo. To her monstrous need for validation, these conquests give her the greatest payloads.
The manizer betrays herself easily: deny her what she wants and she will react with anger or quickly discard you. Refuse to be seduced, refuse to cough up lavish dates, gifts, favors, and money too soon, refuse to be emotionally weak with her…how does she react? If she is not a manizer at heart, she will, at the very least, respect your discretion, and possibly be interested in you even more. She may just need an honorable man to set the tone and lead you both on paths of righteousness. However, if she is still a manizer at heart, she will not take your discretion well.
Remember, two roots of manizing/womanizing are self-hatred and egomania. In seeking the Lord about becoming a healthy woman of God, you will have to go with Him to the core of your self-image, and where exactly it became so negative or distorted. Open those places to Him. Cry, scream, whimper, laugh, whatever you need to do to authentically express those places to Him. Ask for His Fatherly validation and Husbandly validation to heal those places. He will!
You will also have to address with Him the related root of egomania. You may not be a dangerous sociopath like Jezebel of Sidon, but you still have to be honest and penitent about your own level of self-consumption. Repent and repent deeply. You must be dethroned and cast down as the Attention Center of your life and men, and the Lord Jesus must replace you.
(3) The Manhoarder (Insurance Policy Women)
She was super friendly, spiritual, and noticeably pretty. I met her when she came to my city as a promotional model. We went out on a date and had one of the funnest times I have ever had. I was seriously interested.
As I fasted and prayed about her in the following days, the Holy Spirit prompted me to do some unusual research. I was disappointed to discover this woman was a manhoarder; I was to become merely one more man in her emotional insurance policy. She had quite a collection of male friends, friends she kept close enough to keep interested romantically, yet far enough to avoid commitment. She had a talent for staying just beneath the line, yet getting tantalizingly close to it.
I let her go and challenged her to grow. Of course, when she saw that I was on to her she became defensive and aggressive--often signs of guilt. As time went on, the Holy Spirit continued to illuminate the phenomenon of manhoarding.
The manhoarder is warm and inviting, happily accepting any male attention. She will usually give her number and call, text, or email faithfully. She will hang out and even confide in you to varying degrees. Sounds innocent right?
Here's the hook: she will titillate (tease). She will say and do things that ever so subtly insinuate romantic possibilities. Then, when the man moves to escalate into commitment and exclusivity, she plays ignorant and surprised. The sinister tragedy is, she is doing this same dance with several other men simultaneously.
When she does pairbond with one man, it is usually a womanizer to some degree. Only he possesses enough virility and dynamism to flip the script on her and induce emotional, romantic, or sexual surrender.
Manhoarders are perhaps the most frustrating category of women. Men, you need to protect your heart and mind. You are not one of many. You are not to be teased. You are not a toy. You are no one's emotional insurance or just-in-case. Yes, you might be a change agent in her life, but you need to know this from the Holy Spirit as early as possible.
It is a sin to collect men as insurance policies or just-in-case-I-get-lonely or just-in-case-I-don't-have-other-options. Jezebel hoarded over eight hundred men in her collection (1Ki 18:19)! The Lord sees why you keep men around. If it is truly for friendship only, then do not titillate, say, or do anything that could indicate romantic possibilities. Act like his sister.
(4) The Spiritual Sluggard (Godly, but Lazy, Women)
Sluggard means "lazy person" (Pr 6:6-9, 20:4, 21:25, 26:13-16). Spiritual sluggards are just that, spiritual but lazy. They love God, know His Word, are faithful at church, often involved in ministry. However, they are remarkably unmotivated when it comes to their physical health, weight, appearance, and emotions (all of which are inseparably related). Some Christians will blame everything but their own character for this, like bad genes, hormones, too busy, "men are just shallow", "fit women are superficial", spiritualized excuses, distorted Bible verses, etc.
Solomon said the lazy will always have an excuse for mediocrity. Proverbs 22:13 (ESV): The sluggard says, "There is a lion outside! I shall be killed in the streets!"
This woman places highest value on the spiritual, and rightly so. But to an equal extent she devalues or neglects her physical being.
This type pairbonds with men who will not challenge her lifestyle habits. This is not any one particular type of man, simply one who will not challenge her to develop balance and maximize every aspect of her being.
If she cannot take care of her own body, the very temple of God (1Co 6:19), how can she take care of you, also a temple of God? Jesus said we can only love others to the degree we love and care for ourselves (Mk 12:31). Paul too (Eph 5:28,29). What else can she not take care of? Before you downplay and overlook physical negligence, understand the wider implications.
On the other hand, I have seen men provide lifechanging inspiration to a female friend, helping her actualize the excellent Esther she can be. Some women absolutely come to life, inwardly and outwardly, when a nonjudgmental man believes in and inspires them to be the best they can be in every area. Men, seek and discern the Spirit's guidance early on.
I will say quite a bit here only because, without a doubt, this is the most common type of single Christian woman I encounter in the many churches, ministries, and Christian organizations I frequent.
Health and weight problems usually reflect deeper emotional concerns. Jesus asked, if you cannot be faithful with little--your own body, for example, God's very temple (1Co 6:19,20)--how can you be faithful with greater stewardships (Lk 16:10)? You can only love and care for a man to the degree you love and care for yourself (Mk 12:31).
Rigorously address emotional wounds and self-image problems, first in God's presence because He cares for you (1Pet 5:7). Open up to your pastor or Christian counselor or other trusted spiritual leader and do James 5:16. Little by little, with the Holy Spirit, cultivate the fruits of self-control and moderation in your eating habits. Exercise or move your body significantly several times a week. Paul said God is sanctifying your physical body with equal commitment as your spirit and soul (1Th 5:23).
Males & The Female Physique
A common lie or illusion many single Christian women believe is this: When God sends my husband, he will love me just the way I am.
If this is unconditionally true, then you, too, must throw out your list of ideal traits for a husband. He can play video games all day, neglect your emotional needs, be dirt poor, watch porn occasionally, have poor hygiene, wear the same underwear for days, in and out of prison, calls Mama twice a day, doesn't own a car, can't keep a job. But when God sends his future wife she will love him just the way he is, right?
Scripture never supports this line of logic. God loves us right where we are, for sure, but even He requires us to change after we begin a relationship Him (1Pet 2:1-3, 1Th 5:23,24). Plus, you are not marrying God physically or sharing a body, a bed, and a bathroom with Him.
In Genesis 2:23, when the Creator finished making Eve and presented her to Adam, his immediate comment was about her physical body. He exclaimed, "This is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh." Notice he did not say, "Alas, my helpmate!" or "This is my spiritual partner!" or "Great! I have a best friend now!" Nope. Adam commented on her physical body. And remember, Adam was morally perfect when he said this.
This tiny fact tells us something fundamental and monumental about males: their kneejerk instinct towards women is visual and physical. Many other scriptures present this concept in one way or another: Genesis 12:11-15, 34:2, 38:15,16, Judges 14:1,2, 16:1, 2Samuel 11:2-4, Job 31:1, Esther 2:1-17, Song of Songs, Ruth 3:3,4.
Are you looking for a husband-king Xerxes? Remember Esther's beauty preparations (Est 2:1-17). Looking for a Boaz? Remember Naomi's beauty advice (Ru 3:3). Exercise or be active, eat clean, get enough sleep, and dress attractively. All Christians should do this anyway as a spirit of excellence. Need a total makeover and entirely new look? Try it. Whatever you do, resist the convenient, but false, hyperspiritual excuses to stay lazy, mediocre, unhealthy, and unappealing.
(5) The Free Spirit (Independent Women)
In certain cases, the independent woman is a high-value prospect. Not prone to codependence or gold-digging for money, many males seek this type out. The thorn on this rose, however, is her reluctance to sacrifice some of that independence to merge with a partner. To the free spirit, losing some of that freedom is like losing a limb.
A woman who is independent in a healthy way for healthy reasons is first and foremost utterly dependent on the Lord every day. Her independence is not her own, it operates underneath the daily shepherding of His presence. Practically and behaviorally, she is confident, active, driven, and financially independent. In a good way, she epitomizes the contemporary woman who is free from the oppressions, deprivations, and labels of gender inequality.
This free-spirit type does not pairbond with a man easily. She is choosy and jealous of her independence. When she does pairbond, though, it is usually with one of three types of men: (1) a docile man who will not make excessive demands, (2) a charming and romantic man who floods her emotions and curtails her independent streak, or (3) a womanizer to some degree that hooks her libido. Jezebel went with #1, Ahab.
Realize from the getgo that independent women are jealous of their independence. However, if she is a quality sister in Christ, do not let that intimidate you. If you are truly interested in her, then advance with prayer and fasting. Follow the Holy Spirit patiently, not your testosterone spikes.
Also, never try to tame or control the free spirit. That is the quickest way to drive her away. Simply be a man and have a life she would enjoy merging with, and if she is interested, she will make the adjustments in her own way in her own time.
To women seeking a healthy, godly independence (as we all should do), I give two pieces of counsel. First, be sure your independence is true independence, not escapism or fear of vulnerability or fear of commitment or fear of losing adventure. Second, there are secure, independent brothers in Christ out there who will not try to tame you. Stay open and third-eyed for them. Do not keep your firewall so high that you repel them before they can reveal themselves.
(6) G.I. Jane (Belligerent Women)
A woman wired into this particular behavior is prickly, belligerent, and vengeful. Quick to bite and quick to fight, she simmers or boils inwardly with bitterness toward men. Using men as merely a transactional means to an end, or as useful service mules, is a utilitarian form of anti-male punishment many G.I. Janes opt for. It is a lower-level, simmering, longer-term, passive-aggressive form of punishment that dehumanizes men as useful animals. For a disturbing and melodramatic illustration of this concept, watch the movie The Wicker Man (2006).
This type is hypersensitive to and easily offended by men. Driving her from within is an obsessive compulsion to confront, challenge, correct, compete with, condescend, and conquer males. In romantic contexts, she shoots down low-value suitors like cardboard targets. G.I. Jane is easy to spot because she is constantly in conflict with some male, somewhere, for some reason.
Like the Mother Hen, this type also gravitates to weaker men that can she utilize in a transactional way. Alpha males and womanizers usually do not tolerate her.
Docile men, beware! Become strong and complete in your maleness, and safeguard your soft spots around these types. G.I. Jane is perhaps the most dangerous of the types because she is beyond hoping and beyond trying and now simply wants revenge.
If this is you, you need depth healing from your heavenly Father and Husband, especially male-related healing. Analyze with the Spirit when male-related pain first appeared in your heart. Analyze how this evolved into a hyperfeminist, vengeful coping strategy. Then, with aggressive repentance and Biblical counseling, reconstruct your soul towards men. A sign of your healing is an increase in honor and peace toward men, especially those that resemble your original pain.
(7) Every Man's Best Friend (Cool Women)
She is so cool and so fun to hang out with and stay up late with. She is easily one of the guys. She safeguards everyone's secrets. She is always there when needed. These types of women are just plain awesome. So what's the problem?
She usually has low romantic-sexual appeal. She is every guy's best friend but no one's romantic interest, at least no one interesting to her. Her inner husband-question usually goes unanswered for a long time.
Loyalty and coolness describe this woman. She is a true best friend type. However, she does not possess romantic appeal for most men, at least those that would interest her.
Sadly, this type is often the target of womanizers, especially during his "dry periods" of celibacy, aloneness, or rejection. And because of her seemingly endless romantic loneliness, she tends to accept his advances--and the sure pain to follow.
Brothers, this might be hard to do, but it would help her greatly to have a tenderhearted, honest conversation with her. The cool gal needs to know, from a male perspective, why she is every dude's best friend but never or rarely someone's romantic passion. Your friendly advice might be the very thing she needs to optimize her total being, first for her Lord and herself, then for her future partner. Proverbs 27:9 (NIV): …the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice.
Many years ago I had a wonderful friend who was this type, every guy's best friend but no one's romantic interest. From time to time she complained that the only men interested in her were "boring and smelly men from other countries who wanted an American concubine" (her words). She was stomach-hurting hilarious in how she said it. As her buddy and chicken wings partner, I needed to respond in some meaningful way.
I encouraged her to modify her wardrobe (which was often Little House On The Prairie-ish), the colors she wore (often ambiguous and nondescript), posture and poise (often slouchy, insecure-looking, depressed-looking), conversational habits, and other things. She was already in great shape physically, so these modifications would go a long way. The next time I saw her several weeks later she was gorgeous. She had unearthed and polished her God-given feminine glory. She had giddy new stories of romantic interest. I was so happy for her. As a Christ-loving, supercool, and now much more appealing and well-rounded sister, I knew it was only a matter of time before a quality man answered her husband-question. Today she is married with two children.
(8) The Mature (High-Value Women)
Finally, the mature single woman is the highest value prospect. These are the ladies who are both ready and capable of a fulfilling marriage-minded romance. They are mentally separate from their mothering instinct. They do not need the validations of constant male conquests. They do not keep suitors around for insurance. Their bodies are well-cared for and appealing. They are independent for the right reasons. They perceive men as honored equals, not opponents, tools, or means. They are best friend material. They have a daily experience with God you can co-rule with.
Song of Songs has a beautiful and powerful verse describing the ideal wife or wife-prospect. Notice the three underlined portions in Song of Songs 5:1 (NIV, underline mine): I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride...Eat, friends, and drink; drink your fill of love.
First, Solomon calls his beloved his "sister". This means she is his spiritual sibling, one of Yahweh's children. Likewise, the mature Christian woman is an authentic and advanced sister in Christ.
Secondly, He calls her his "bride". This highlights the romantic-sexual nature and chemistry of their relationship. Likewise, the mature Christian woman is romantically-sexually appealing to a prospective husband. She is bride quality.
Finally, the couple's companions call them "friends". This highlights their friendship and practical compatibility. Likewise, the mature Christian woman is best friend quality.
God's Word is so thorough. Amazing.
Women like this are cautious romantically. They gravitate to males who are high-value themselves, or obviously progressing towards it. They often remain single and unattached for extended periods of time, unwilling to settle for less than an ideal brother.
Women like this are searching for someone on their level. So realize you will have to match or exceed her overall value to be in her thoughts and prayers. You will have to upgrade every area of your life that is romantically relevant. Remember Boaz. He was on Naomi and Ruth's radar because he was high-caliber in the areas that mattered to Ruth. And so again I say, you will have to match or exceed her overall value to be in her thoughts and prayers.
High value prospects are rare for both genders. The temptation, even for mature women, is to become discouraged and settle for the "inferior but available". You are too valuable and rare to do this. You are Proverbs 31:10. Continue having wise friendships with decent men, but preserve your feminine ruby for a high-quality brother who deserves it.